User blog:Legally Confused/Never Too Late

"It's never too late to apologize"

I recently posted a blog titled "I'm Back". No one really guessed who I am and honestly, I'm somewhat, if not barely, surprised.

I'm Echo (I really despise that name.) (Like I really hate it.)

I've known by the users 1Echo2 and That1Girl (Echo), Twilight Dusk Dawn Midnight (Adela) (I'm not going to lie when I say that was my sock), Bonjour son moi (Brooke), Pisces, ~Fartherawaay~ and Heedlessly (Echo) and Katagma (Kat). So I guess that's all the proof you need to know that I am who I am.

And I'm not going to deny that this is definitely pointless because you're going to look at it and sneer. And honestly, I don't blame you. But I've come here to say that I'm sorry.

Yes, I've said it countless times. But looking back on it now, I didn't mean it. At the time I was desperate and would do anything to get back here. I made four sockpuppet accounts to come back here. Why did I do that? It's because I saw this place as somewhere I could escape, somewhere where I could be anyone but me. This place gave me the ability to write my heart out and I even made a friend or two along the way.

Then the problems started. At first, it was a few comments, but then it blew into a few users hating me for reasons I still don't know today. I got banned a few times and got so f**king upset because it was hard for me emotionally.

If you're wondering why I am the way I am, it's a combination of ADHD and possible autism. I'm s**t at social interactions. In real life, I've been improving, but it's a long and bumpy road. I'm not asking for pity here, I'm just trying to explain why I act like I do. It may seem foreign, but that's the way my brain works.

I couldn't get it through my "thick skull" that I wasn't wanted here. I always had that urge to make a sockpuppet account, make everyone fall in love with me, I'd get made admin/bureaucrat and then I'd reveal who I really am. That's how I saw things. I thought that I'd be renowned as a hero and suddenly "Echo" would be this figure that everyone would fall in love with. And then I thought that would bring me fulfillment and make everything drastically improve, both here and real life.

But each time I came back to this wiki, it made a negative impact.

My marks dropped. I became addicted to my phone, ready to type out a comment that I didn't mean later. I distanced myself from God. I spent way too much time crying. I cut myself. I cried myself to sleep. I started contemplating suicide. I started thinking that no one would ever love me. And the most important thing was that I started doing things that were completely uncharacteristic. I made terrible remarks. I made cutting comments. I wrote long poems and metaphors about my own misery. I felt powerful by putting people below me.

But that's no longer true. As soon as I got banned, I got my life back on track, I felt free from that burden. I learned there was people that loved me, some who loved me all along. I found some damn good people who liked me and I liked them back. I became closer to them and they became my friends.

So am I condoning my actions? No. I'm not condoning anything that I've ever said or done. It's my fault and I'm terribly sorry about it. I'm sorry about causing anyone sleepless nights or days worrying about my mental health 'cause I said I felt suicidal. I'm sorry about making terrible remarks and hurting the friends I felt close to. There are somany things that I feel sorry for that I don't know how to put them into words.