Lilah Jöllenbeck

Lilah is a tribute made by Xax. Please don't use her without his permission. "'Cause darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream."

- Lilah

Tribute Form
Name:  Lilah Jöllenbeck

Age:  16

District:  8

Gender:  Female

Eye Color:  Light Blue

Hair Color:  Black

Height:  5'6

Personality: 

Lilah: Lilah has a really complex personality. Her mood may change frequently, due to her bipolar disorder. She went to a psychologist, Dr. Strauss and she helped her with that. Still Lilah may be bubbly and then change into an irritable or depressive state in a matter of seconds. She is very persuasive. She may have a short temper but she has a great character and Lilah is very hard to move. Sassy, haughty, blunt and sarcastic at times, Lilah has also schizophrenia. Dr. Strauss also helped her with this, and she's still taking antipsychotic medication. He says that all both mental disorders most probably developed from her horrendous past. So far, only one voice talks frequently in her head. One who calls herself/itself Violet. She's working on it, and Violet is coming back much less frequently than before.

Violet: In a few words, Violet is a psycho. She's Lilah's bad side at the power of three. She's a total hothead, with irrational anger and she has both murderous and suicidal thoughts. Still with all of this, Violet is even smarter than Lilah and she's also very, very cunning. Violet can plan any murder in just a few seconds, without it making her look guilty. She's deceitful, manipulative and a total puppet master. Unlike other schizophrenic voices, Violet can actually "take control" over Lilah's body if the latter has a nervous breakdown or if she's just extremely weak. After some time, Lilah gains control of her body again, but Violet may keep talking inside her hostage's mind. Violet is a virus and Lilah is its hostess.

Note: Violet does not physically take over Lilah's body. It isn't Multi Personality Disorder. It is still just a rare case of schizophrenia in which Lilah believes so strongly that Violet is actually alive, that Lilah ends being so weak minded that she believes it is Violet who is talking and acting over the body, while it is only Lilah being submissive to Violet and speaking and acting as Violet says inside her head. If it were Multi Personality Disorder, Lilah wouldn't even know when she lost control of the body. This means that Lilah is fully aware when Violet "takes over" her body when she has the nervous breakdowns, yet Lilah has no  judgement or power whatsoever to do anything else than what Violet obliges her to. Lilah doesn't even know that no one takes control over her body. She strongly believes that Violet is a living being that truly takes over her body.

Fears: Strengths: Weaknesses: Weapons:
 * Purple oleander.
 * Stop existing/disappearing/being ethereal.
 * Porphyrophobia. Fear of the color purple. The lighter shades of it, particularly for her.
 * Due to Violet's constant and extremely aggressive behavior and insults, Lilah can't be insulted by almost anything (the exception being Violet only).
 * She's blunt and precise both with words and with weapons.
 * Once she gains trust from people, she tends to keep their unconditional trust on her. This may also be because she is highly manipulative and persuasive when she wants to.
 * Not many people tend to like her at first due to her bluntness and condescendence.
 * She is emotionally unstable and may have a breakdown when she's under pressure.
 * Lilah may have panic attacks that not always end being harmful, yet do slow her for a bit when she's in extreme pain.
 * Twin daggers as main weapons.
 * As a secondary weapon, Lilah is proficient at throwing sharp small objects (cards, shuriken, knives), yet her signature weapons are the throwing crescent-moon-shaped steel blades.
 * As a tertiary weapon/s, Lilah is skilled at other twin weapons, such as dual kodachi or twin sickles.

Strategy:
Training Strategy: To be determined depending on the games.

Private Training Strategy: To be determined depending on the games.

Interview Angle: To be determined depending on the games.

Bloodbath Strategy: To be determined depending on the games.

Games Strategy: To be determined depending on the games.

Backstory
April 3, (7 years)

I never understand mommy and daddy. They said that I am a blessing. That mom was about to die when I was born. They love believing in weird stuff. They have a lot of crosses around the house and a lot of candles too. I think they like pastel colors, specially purple. They named me after the light shade of purple. That's why I am Lilah. I was going to be named Lilac, but mommy says the letter "c" is of bad luck, so they replaced it with an "h". I love mommy and daddy but I don't understand why they are obsessed with that color. All the candles are that color. The crosses are purple and so is my whole room. They are very relicious or something like that, mommy said. I can never go to sleep before singing a weird song with all of the candles lit in my bedroom. I don't understand any of this. I'll ask mommy and daddy tomorrow.

October 16, (10 years)

Mom and dad say that I should feel like a big girl now. But I don't, though. And I feel like I should. It is tradition of our family to tell our children the secret of our company's success when they turn 10 and they are big and "mature" enough to know it, whatever that's supposed to mean. Dad has particularly been telling me a lot about the company lately, as if he were preparing me, yet I still don't know what the so-called "secret" is. I turn 10 today, but I don't want to seem to anxious and push my parents to tell me. I guess I will have to wait until I gain their trust...

October 17, (10 years)

You won't believe it! THEY TOLD ME THE SECRET YESTERDAY! I was genuinely disgusted by it, but dad says he was too at the beginning, that I will learn to tolerate it with time and eventually embrace it just like he does.

Jöllenbeck & Co. is my family's textile company. We are extremely wealthy. It is the second largest textile company in Panem along with other two or three big companies, namely "Twillington Textiles Inc." which has had a rough history with my family. They hate each other because apparently they are the same. Once my family introduces a new type of textile, Twillington Textiles introduces it just a day after and viceversa. And the organization system of the two companies are almost identical. However, my parents told me that the biggest difference between them was the secret for success itself. Of course, they all blame it on espionage, and there have been 3 spies caught so far in my dad's company since I was born. It was very odd how they suddenly disappeared until yesterday. I even wondered how I hadn't figured out the secret before.

What's the secret, you ask? I wish I never knew, if I am honest. Instead of gaining trust on my parents, I have lost almost all of it, for not telling me this before. The secret's simple, yet impressive.

My family's the head of a small assassin's "cult". Now don't tell my mom I said that word because she doesn't like it. She says we are a religion, a lifestyle, even. Not a "cult". That's why she doesn't like the letter "c" I guess. When other companies are giving us a hard time, an assassin from our religion is sent to kill the one who is getting in our way. It sounds logic, in a way, but it is also disgusting to get rid of your problems that way... It's so easy. You should negotiate instead of killing. Either way, these assassins get paid an enormous amount of money. They told me that I would grow up to be trained to be an assassin too, and that I am to be taken to my mentor's lair as soon as next year begins. I am scared, because I don't want to kill, yet I had to fake being excited so I didn't disappoint mom and dad. I don't know if they'll buy it.

January 8th, (10 years)

My first week of training has been exhausting. My mentor, Famine, has been taking me to my limits. Famine is nice but very aggressive and stirct too. He won't let me rest until I have done my exercises perfcetly. He has messy black hair, pretty gray eyes and he is very tall, which makes me be a bit intimidated. I have read two books about wildlife and toxicology. I need to learn a lot so that I can use the natural resources in my advantage.

July 1st, (10 years)

I have been training for half a year now. Famine is very smart. He has been teaching me what I would learn in school if I went there, plus the other things that are compulsory for me to take the assassin test when I turn 16. He says that what the test includes is highly top-secret, even for me, the daughter of the cult's leader. I am becoming stronger, I can feel it. I guess this is what being a big girl is.

January 29th, (12 years)

I still feel disgusted by my family's secret. I don't think that is ever going to change. Still, I love my parents and I am very grateful for what they have done for me. So I don't judge or complain about it. I am back home after my two years living with Famine. I will be home the next two years with my mom, my dad and my newborn brother. Apparently he was born on the same day as I had. When he was born, I turned 11. He's very cute and I like taking care of him. At first he was hesitant, but I feel like now he has opened up to me a bit. I am being homeschooled by yet another assassin, but now it's just going to be normal education. I somehow want to continue with my exhausting, yet rewarding training. It has made me stronger and I know that it will be of a lot of help if I ever get reaped in the Games. Guess time will have to say.

I have been noticing that most of my personality traits have now being adopted by Famine's. I used to be very sweet and friendly, yet isolation from the civilization has made me a bit quiet and not too affable. Famine's sarcasm and bluntness has been now adopted by me and I am no longer the sweet Lilac flower I used to be. Now I am a dangerous flower with a bit of poison.

I like my new bedroom. It had a major make over and now (yet still completely purple) it is more fashionable and appropriate for my age. Now I don't have the crucifixes and weird stars hanging from my ceiling either. I guess my parents have seen that I don't agree completely with the Religion and they want me to have a break. Plus, I convinced mom to plant a whole variety of purple flowers in the garden. I personally requested some lilacs representing my sweet past and a few other purple oleanders that would represent my future, which was planned long before I was born. It is somehow tragic, I must admit.

September 18th, (12 years)

I don't know how to put this. I think I am scarred for life. What did just happen? My head is spinning in circles. I can't breathe. My head is throbbing. I can feel my heartbeat. Am I having a panic attack? No I'm not. I'm calming down.

Mom just got killed by a spy from Twillington. I swear I'm getting revenge on those suckers. I'll kill at least one of them right where it will hurt their family more. What even hurts me the most is who it was. He, who had worked with my family for so many years was actually loyal to the Twillingtons? He was my dad's right hand! He was like my freaking male nanny! It was Frederick, for any existing sake!

What's worse is, he stabbed her right in front of me! With our family's purple dagger. I had to run. I had to, mom. I'm sorry I couldn't take you with me. I had to! I think you would've wanted me to do what I did. I love you mom. I do. Please, please, please forgive me. I don't even know if this diary entry will be readable after I finish writing it. As of now, it has ink running from the several tears that have fallen over the piece of paper.

I made sure to describe to dad how it is exactly that I want Frederick Magnusen to get killed. He said he will make sure to kill him just the way I described, for me and for mom. I have the purple oleanders in my bedroom to remind me of who I will be, yet I am starting to dislike this now irreverent color that became from sacred to tarnished for me in just one day.

Something has cracked and ignited within me. I don't know what it is, but someone will pay for this atrocity. I will make sure of that. Quote me on that, I dare you, Twillingtons.

YOU CAN ALL SUCK IT!

September 30th, (12 years)

I can feel all my previous strength drain out of me. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think straight. All that my head is doing 24/7 is planning on how to make this vendetta with the Twillingtons end once and for all. Dad says I should go to a psychologist, but I don't think I will. I'm perfect the way I am, except for the fact that I need to train once again to regain my strength before The Test.

I miss Famine, he's like a brother to me and I can just contact him by ocasional letters. He turned 20 two days ago and I am still waiting for his reply. I made sure to write him his birthday letter and send it specifically so that it got to him on the day of his birthday. I really wish I had him here now to comfort me in is strong arms.

He could be the one to force me to eat again.

October 12, (13 years)

I just finished a whole year with psychologic support. It wasn't a big shocker when they diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. I had suspected this for quite some time, yet it was surprising when Violet started talking to me on February. She started talking to me with whispers, with hums and then went for the actual talking. The harsh words, the threats the insults. And finally the screaming, the suicidal persuasion, the induction of wrong and homicidal ideas. That's when I talked about it to my psychologist, and she then took some tests on me until finally diagnosing me with schizophrenia.

How wonderful.

Now I have a stupid voice in my head and I have the need to take antipsychotics under prescription if Dr. Strauss, my psychologist. The weird thing is that it is just one voice in my head, unlike other patients who suffer of a lot of voices talking all at once. My voice named itself Violet. Damnit. I am referring it as if it were something that lived. Dr. Strauss warned me not to do so, she said I had to refer to it as something my subconscious created. Let me rephrase that: The voice inside my head was named by my subconscious Violet. There, I said it. I am still scared because Violet does seem like a living creature: she sleeps, she talks, she thinks, she plans, she fore thinks and she even has her own personality. I sometimes feel like she could take over a body and be living on in a society on her own, and that scares me. That makes me feel like my subconscious is more alive than I am. I do think I have a clue of why my subconscious named her/it that way.

Because Violet is a darker shade of Lilac.

January 15th, (14 years)

I'm extremely excited and alert. Being back with Famine is incredibly awesome. He's teaching me a whole lot of stuff that I wouldn't have been able to understand last time I was with him. He says I have grown up a lot since we last saw each other. I like the way he says that...It makes me feel smarter and stronger. Like I said, he was the one to force me to eat again. The process of regaining my muscle and fat is slow but steady. I got here two weeks ago and I have already packed a pound.

I specially like refreshing myself in the shower. It's the only time that I have my privacy; besides my sleep time and when I go to the bathroom. But those are just formalities for Famine. He's fun to be around.

August 29th, (15 years)

I have 20 more pounds than what I did when I got here! I know I'm stronger, I've developed more muscle and intelligence, I know it. I'm feeling energetic, jovial and disturbingly smitten. So, promise not to tell anyone about this, but like every day, I was showering. And Famine obliviously entered the bathroom while I was on it. I quickly covered myself with a nearby towel and he cursed before apologizing. I said it was okay, that we should just forget about it and move on.

I felt self-conscious, exposed and bashful, but that quickly faded when I noticed the slight blush on Famine's face. I knew I should have felt anger for him getting bothered by me being almost naked, for him looking at me in a different way than someone should look to their pupils. But I felt excited and thrilled, almost incited or provoked in a good way. I felt smitten and couldn't help but blush too. He quickly left me there to continue showering and thinking about what had just happened.

If I am honest with you, I think I may be crushing on Famine. Hard.

September 12th, (15 years)

I continue asking Famine about The Test. He says it changes for every person. That my dad adapts it to the needs of the one who's taking the test. Famine says that his test was to stop eating completely for two weeks, hence the origin of his assassin's pseudonym. I felt extremely stupid.

I had always thought that his real name was Famine. I asked for his real name but he said that he'd sworn to never speak of his old identity again. That made me question everything. Was i going to have to change my name depending on my Test's result? If so, into what would it be? This worried me a lot for a reason that not even I could explain.

Another thing to add to my nervousness is the fact that some people are following us. We believe they are Twillington spies but we are not sure. Famine says that we will have to temporarily move out of his place and live in an apartment until the spies flee and stop the scary stalking.

I don't like people watching me when I'm with Famine, I like our now lost intimacy.

October 16th, (16 years)

I got the best birthday gift ever. I'll explain what has happened before revealing my amazing gift, though. You wouldn't like me spoiling it, now would you?

So. Due to Famine and I moving out of his place, we went to this really cheap, small and humble apartment. But when we got there, we noticed that it only had one bed. I immediately offered to sleep on the ground, but he refused. I finally convinced him to let me sleep on the ground. That day I had had a really terrible bruise on my left shoulder-blade after hitting it against a door frame while carrying my suitcase out of Famine's home.

So when I was trying to sleep on the ground, I kept tossing and turning due to the discomfort. By then, Famine had noticed this and invited me to go to the bed with him. I hesitantly agreed as I faced that I wouldn't be able to sleep at all if I stayed in the ground.

I was a bit self-conscious, knowing that someone else was in the same bed as I was, more specifically, the teacher that I had a crush on. He stayed apart and didn't do anything we just slept.

The days went by and we did the same, although day by day we got closer until we cuddled and from then on, we cuddled everyday. Nothing passed from that, it was just cuddling. But today, when I woke up next to him, he gently brushed his lips on mine. I couldn't resist but to kiss back gently and sweetly. That was my birthday gift and I loved it.

The day went on just like every other day, but I feel like I will receive another kiss from Famine before I got to bed.

November 3rd, (16 years)

I am deeply in love with Famine. So far, we've only actually made out twice, and I hope to keep it that way. I don't want anything to go further from that. I am yet very nervous as to what will happen to us when I get back home. It is only a matter of weeks until I leave him and I probably never see him again. I don't want us to grow apart.

I am as strong as I could ever be, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Violet hasn't talked to me since I started sleeping next to Famine. I think he's the anchor to my reality, to my stability. He keeps me sane, healthy and lovable.

I notice that when I am not with him, I become grumpier, more sarcastic and significantly blunter. I continue taking my antipsychotics though, I don't want any small emotional breakdown to bring Violet back into my life.

(DISCLAIMER: The follwing diary entry is very descriptive regarding to a depressive state. This is a trigger warning. If you feel like this might make you uncomfortable, then skip to the next entry. )

December 5th, (16 years) They hurt and burn so much. They have already closed, but the feeling of the cold blade against skin and the sting that followed it still lingers on my wrist. Why did I ever do this in the first place? It was most definitely not an enjoyable experience, much less a delightful thing to remember. It only brought remorse and regret to my innocent mind.

Something had taken over me, I can swear it. It wasn’t me!

But Famine has stopped kissing me. He’s separated from me when we cuddle. Well, to be honest we don’t even cuddle anymore. He treats me like a plain student in the midst of education.

When I confronted him he said that he wanted to make us grow apart slowly so that it wouldn’t be a big shock for us when we suddenly stopped having our company. But I know it isn’t true. I know it, damnit!

I am now in a depressive state from my bipolar disorder. I feel fatigued, tired and obviously depressed. I am alone writing this while Famine sleeps, 3 feet away from me.

He hates me and I am of no good. I should really just end it so that it is easier for him. End it? Not it. I should end myself. The small pocket knife lays tentatively next to my neck.

I want to bring me out of the misery. If I can’t live with Famine’s love even when I am with him, then I don’t see the point in living at all. IT’S POINTLESS CAN’T YOU SEE IT?!

Hello Lilah.

No. It’s Violet. it’s her voice. I have to push her out, I have to make this quick before she tells me the horrible things she does. I’ll take note of our conversation while I still can. Famine, if you find this, I want you to understand me and my other me, or Violet.

Violet: Oh shut up, you little useless brat. Your mother died in vain. It was your fault after all and you try to suicide yourself instead of making something of your stupid life? Pathetic. I wish I could talk to someone with more honor, but apparently I got to talk to you. Lucky me.

She is now laughing. I don’t like it. Violet get out of my head! I don’t care about you. Violet: But then again, you think of me every single day, don’t you? Of how I am soon coming to haunt you again and again and again and again. You care about me. I am essential to you, why can’t you just freaking accept that I am in fact a part of you? You should embrace me you spoiled girl! Famine doesn’t even like you. He won’t even tell you his real name, for any existing sake! Do you think he loves you? Do you think that he’s into you? A pubescent 16 year old with a lousy personality and a hideous body? The daughter of the leader of an assassin’s freaking cult?! You are nothing, Lilah.

Now I am crying again. I must stop this but I can’t stop from writing. It is so addictive, somehow. I hate it! Violet get away! Stop existing, I’m begging you please!

Violet: Actually scratch what I said earlier. Plunge that pocket knife on your neck and make this world a favor. Famine will be much happier to be free from your whining and he won’t have to fake loving you anymore. Your father even hates you so much, that he sent you to live with a 22 year old for four years total. An assassin that might as well be raping you every other day and your father didn’t even care to consider it! And if he did, he didn’t care either way! How funny! PLUNGE THAT KNIFE INTO YOUR THROAT SO THAT I GO BOTHER SOMEONE WORTH MY TIME! SO THAT I CAN BE WORTH SOMETHING THA-

(Done. That is the end of the trigger-warning entry. For those of you who didn't read it, it is basically Lilah explainin how she hurt herself and how she wants to end with her life after Famine started to gradually grow apart from her. Violet then enters into her mind and starts telling her how everyone hates Lilah and how she should plunge the knife she has next to her into her throat to die. Wanting to end her misery and stop Violet from talking in her head, Lilah quickly stabs it in the lower part of her neck, leaving her unconscious.)

January 2nd, (16 years)

I woke up in a dark hospital room with locked doors at the middle of the night. My diary and a pen lay on a small table next to my bed. I took both of them to start writing this. I reread my latest entry from December 6th only to find that I didn’t remember writing any of it. It seemed familiar and I know how the person that wrote that felt, but that Lilah was depressed. I was now an euphoric Lilah. I was happy to be alive after plunging that knife into the lower part of my neck. I didn’t mean to kill myself, but then again, I did try to. I just wanted so to stop Violet so bad, that I had to take some risky measures. A lot of things cover my neck and I can barely move it. Swallowing hurts too but I try ignoring it. What really touches me is a small message at the end of my last entry, written with undoubtedly Famine’s handwriting that simple says: “I do love you with all my heart Lilah. You’re the only one for me.”

I cry for an unspecific reason. Maybe its sadness, maybe it’s happiness, maybe it’s hope. But the tears are still there, nonetheless. I turned on the TV only to find in the news that today was the second day of January. I must have entered into a coma.

That reminds me of how I must have gotten here. It must surely be Famine who brought me here with great timing, or at least enough to take me here with still a bit of life inside me.

I think of him and smile, and then it hits me: It’s the beginning of the next year and I won’t be able to see Famine again. Ever. My hands are shaking now, but I must control myself. I know we will see each other again, we just need to find a way of how to do it. I decide that we will see each other in my room every now and then at 7:00 p.m. when my dad is out, watering the garden. That takes him about 30 minutes. It should be enough to maintain something with Famine. Or at least I hope so.

January 12th (16 years)

I am now out of the hospital and back in my house. Famine surprisingly replied quickly to the letter I sent him and he agreed to meet today. I want to make out with him so bad. It’s 6 o’clock. He should be in here in an hour or so. I’m already dressed up and waiting for him to come.

January 13th (16 years)

I couldn’t do it, I’m so sorry. Yesterday, we were kissing slowly and then it went from there until we were making out. Then dad entered to my room and smirked. It was really fast, I swear. I immediately stopped kissing Famine, but then dad said it was time for me to take the test and I asked him what it was.

He then threw a knife to me and I caught it. Dad’s words were simple. He pulled out a gun from his pants and aimed it straight to my head. By this time, I was still on top of an almost naked Famine. It was scary how dad was so nonchalant about all of this, but then it hit me as he spoke. It all made an unsettling sense, somehow. He had planned this way before. Famine was part o my test even if he didn’t know it. More precisely, Famine was my test.

“Kill the boy or I kill you. C’mon, hun, this test is probably the easiest one I have given yet. It’s just your first kill and then you’ll be officially part of our religion. A member of it.” He said. I remember it perfectly. I just looked to him bewildered as anger filled my face. Famine was now red in anger and fear too. My dad had been like is dad too and he was now betraying him?

I refused and stood up, but dad only continued pointing the gun at my head. “I’m not kidding Lilah. I can very easily shoot you, you’re just another name to add to my killed list.”

I felt betrayed too. He didn’t even love me in the first place. I remember perfectly how the purple candles in my room were lit and how the freshly cut purple oleanders stood there in my flower vase. Everything was purple and I wanted to puke at this sight. It was the color of the religion that wanted me to kill the only person that I had ever truly loved. I wasn’t going to kill him that was for sure. If my father didn’t care about me dying, then why would I? But Famine ruined the moment. I was about to throw my knife and avoid the bullet that would be coming from my dad, but Famine shouted and jerked my hand away as i was throwing the knife, aiming to my father’s chest. Instead, the movement of Famine made the knife hit my dad’s hand that held the gun and as the bullet fired from it, I dodged it in advance, knowing my father would shoot it.

But my dear and beloved Famine wasn’t that smart. I could only see the bullet finding a new home in my boyfriend’s bare chest as I heard my father’s screams in agony. I ignored them. I didn’t care about him anymore.

I turned to Famine and lay a full kiss on his face, trying to get as much of his taste as I could, so it would linger on my mouth for as long as it could. I heard the gun hitting the floor and I saw how blood oozed from the wound in Famine’s chest, how everything purple in my room made the blood seem purple too.

Then Famine said it. He told me his real name.

“I am Ashton Novak, Lilah. And I love you.”

Then his head turned to its side and his eyeballs went back as all of his life had leaked out of him. That was when Violet came in and started kicking my father until she left him unconscious. When she threw him out of my room and locked herself in it and I came back. I cried for what was left of the night, holding Ashton’s dead body close to me in my purple room.

Purple. Purple. Purple.

It was now a hideous color. I had become the purple oleander that I had wanted so much to become, but I had also paid the price to get my poison as a flower. I was now afraid of myself. Of what I’d done. If I hadn’t invited Ashton here, he would have been still alive.

I tore all of my bedroom apart. I smashed the flowers, I burnt the candles I tore the Lilac wallpapers from my wall too. I never wanted to see that horrible color that would bring to me so many bad memories.

Ironically my name was the thing that I now hated the most after my father.

But I couldn’t change it to anything else. My name was the thing that had made me who I was today. It was the reason of all of my adversities in my life. And even if it was an honor to a CULT that I had never believed in, I would maintain the honor that it had given to myself.

I was crazy, hated and dead in the inside and my name was the only proof that all of my life had indeed happened.

I wouldn’t give my father the pleasure of changing my name into another one after taking his stupid Test.

I would keep my own name as a reminder of what I had done in all of my life. Even if Violet was a darker shade of Lilac, I wasn’t even Lilac.

I was Lilah, and my name was a scar and a burden that I needed to carry for the rest of my life to show myself how I could always be stronger than the day before.

I am now writing this last diary entry in forever. I am certain that as soon as the Reaping happens I will volunteer. If I lose then I will be put out of this misery, and if I win, I will be able to live in my own house in the Victor’s Village with my own money and stay away from my maniacal father. I’m not living with that psycho after the Reaping. I don’t want to even come close to him anymore. I shall keep this diary locked inside a place where only Ashton would know of.

If you ever happen to find this diary, then I congratulate you, my dear offspring. I am not sure if you will be either a girl or a boy yet. I somehow know that you will be a girl. I am now 3 months pregnant but I will make sure to take you out of my womb before I volunteer, I promise. Ashton’s brother will take care of you while I’m in the Games. If you ever get to know about your father and I, then you will most likely find this were I will lock it up.

Being pregnant brings great disgrace to the Jöllenbeck family and company. But I even like giving my father a bad reputation, now. I want him to rot alive. I want that psycho to suffer for what he’s done.

How funny, the only thing that your grandfather and I have in common is that we’re both pyschos, and unfortunately you will be too one day, my soon-to-be daughter.

I love you, my dear baby Violet.

Sincerely, Lilah

Summarized Backstory
Lilah notices that her parents have peculiar traditions since an early age, such as hanging crosses throughout their house having, making Lilah sing chants and having all of their decorations in lilac, hence the origin of her name.

Her parents own one of the biggest textile companies in Panem and hold a rivalry with another big company owned by the Twillingtons. Apparently, it is a tradition to tell the Jöllenbeck children about the family’s secret as soon as they turn 10.

It turns out, the secret is that her family is the head of an illicit assassin’s cult dedicated to sending hired murderers to kill whoever gets in the way of the company, therefore their immense success and apparent lack of trouble.

Lilah is disgusted by the secret but she fakes to be proud of it just so her family isn’t disappointed at her.

She is immediately sent as a 10-year old to live and train with her new mentor, “Famine” for the next two years. Famine is an extremely smart and well-trained family 16-year old assassin trained by Lilah’s father himself. With Famine, she learns everything she’d learn in school plus wildlife education and actual fighting.

All her training is supposed to be for when she turns 16, as at that age, a test is made to them to prove their worth as assassins. If they pass it, they are official members of the cult, and if they don’t, they are killed.

When Lilah turns 12, she goes back home with her family and is homeschooled by other member’s of the cult, except that now it is normal education. Lilah, however, is isolated from the rest of the District and doesn’t get to meet any other people her age.

She notices that she’s been greatly influenced by Famine and describes her personality’s development from “a sweet lilac to a dangerous flower” and believes in the future, she’ll become a “purple oleander”.

Several months after she’s back, Lilah’s mother is brutally murdered in front of her by a Twillngton spy by the family’s “royal purple dagger”. Lilah makes her first order to send an assassin to kill the spy just as she wants. She finds now the once sacred color of the cult into something tarnished due to the event. Lilah remarks that something has cracked and ignited within her.

She enters a deep state of depression and misses Famine and admits that she’s kept in touch with him (contrary to her father’s orders) and that he could probably be the only one to get her to eat again.

Lilah is sent to a psychologist and is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and eventually with schizophrenia when a voice, “Violet” starts talking to her inside her head. Lilah is scared because the voice has its own personality and she feels as if it could take over her at any time. She also mentions that she may know why her subconscious named the evil voice “Violet”: because it is a darker shade of “Lilac”.

When Lilah turns 14, she is sent back with Famine and she trains much more with him than she did before. After a year, her intimacy is seen compromised by him by accident, and she admits that she might have an attraction for her mentor.

Famine informs Lilah that The Test changes with everyone, and that “Famine” is his pseudonym, not his real name. They believe they are being stalked by Twillington spies so they move out to a small apartment where there is only one bed, and they are forced to both sleep in it.

For the first month, everything is normal until Lilah’s birthday, when Famine kisses her and they now sleep together, but closer.

Both fall in love, and Lilah notices that since she’s been this close to Famine, Violet hasn’t talked to her.

About a month later, Lilah explains how she had hurt herself and how she wants to end with her life after Famine had started to gradually grow apart from her, since she is close to taking The Test and he didn’t want it to be a big shock for both of them when they were taken away from each other after Lilah’s Test.

Vulnerable, Violet then enters into her mind and starts telling her how everyone hates Lilah and how she should plunge the knife she has next to her, right into her throat to die. Wanting to end her current misery and to drown Violet from talking in her head, Lilah quickly plunges it near her sternum, leaving her unconscious.

Lilah wakes up about a month later in a hospital bed after waking up from a coma induced from blood loss. Apparently, Famine managed to save her just in time before she died and took her to a hospital.

It then dawns on Lilah that by then her training was officially over and that she’d take The Test at any given time, which meant that she wouldn’t see Famine again. However, she sent a letter to Famine so they’d meet at her house one day her father weren’t home.

They meet and start kissing when Lilah’s father enters her room and tells her it is time to take The Test, apparently unfazed by the now semi-dressed couple on Lilah’s bed. Confused, she begs his pardon and he throws a knife at her. She easily catches it, bewildered, and he aims a gun at her head, instructing her to either kill Famine with the knife, or losing her life to a bullet.

Lilah refuses, and her dad shoots a bullet after Famine takes the knife from Lilah and redirects it to her father’s hand. The bullet enters Famine’s chest and he dies right after revealing his love and his true name to Lilah.

Wrathful, she beats her father until unconsciousness, mad at him for not loving her nor caring for her beloved people or her own life. She turns wild and rabid at the infamous purple color that surrounds her bedroom and her life. She destroys her bedroom, mad, and remarks that she will embrace her name, even if it represents something she now hates, because it also symbolizes her transformation into what she is now.

She then finally reveals that she is three months pregnant from Famine and that she will volunteer right after she gives birth to the baby (whom she somehow knows it will be a girl) so that when she wins, she’ll be able to live self-sufficiently at the Victor’s Village without having the need to use her father’s dirty money. Lilah makes reference to the irony that the only thing she had in common with her father was that they were both insane, and that unfortunately, her own daughter will probably be mentally unstable too.

Lilah then finishes her letter with a farewell to her soon-to-be daughter, Violet.